"I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of night." ~ Galileo Galilei

A lovely poem I found on tumblr
 
he used to cut the moon from the sky for her
 
with a pair of scissors, slice it into pieces
 
small enough for her to wear on her wrist.
 
on Sunday mornings he brought her breakfast in bed,
 
a pot of tea and a bowl of stars with milk.
 
she wore fairy dust in her hair
 
and adorned all her notebooks with their crowns.
 
every night before she fell asleep
 
he held her in his arms
 
and she traced the tiny nubs of bone on his back
 
where the wings were just beginning to form.
 
http://writingsforwinter.tumblr.com/post/30671487281/fairies

It's always a nice feeling knowing that school hasn't even started yet and I'm already pushing away everyone I care about. It's going to be an interesting year. Oh well, at least there's Maroon 5 and the Foo Fighters.

Dear You,
 
It's been nearly two weeks now. And although I have been trying to convince myself that I am okay, I am dying inside. I don't know why I still care about you so much. I've looked back at these past few months and have realized that you weren't as great as I thought you were. I was mixing you up with the boy in my head. The one who would do anything for me, the one who would love me for who I am. It turns out that my love wasn't enough to keep you holding on.
 
And that's what kills me.
 
This is how the cycle goes. I wake up with the sun, feel that old familiar pain in my heart, think about how I'm going to make it through the day, and then I get to school. I can make it through the morning, but not without thinking of you. Then those few seconds as I walk down to my science class where I know I will see you... that is the scariest part of my day. Do I smile? Do I ignore you? Do I scream at you so you know how much I'm hurting? Do I turn up my music and pretend I'm preoccupied with something? Do I even acknowledge you? Then as the afternoon passes, I count down the minutes until I get to go home and stop pretending that I am okay.
 
Actually I lied. Seeing you is not the worst part of my day. The worst part is when I am left alone with my thoughts. Then all these familiar feelings of sadness come back.
 
To make myself feel better, I think of all the things you did to hurt me. How you just seemed to lose interest in me by the time December rolled in. How we started slipping away from each other. How close yet so far we were. How during the times I needed you most, you probably weren't even thinking about me. All I needed was a phone call, a message, a smile, a laugh, a hug, a few words of reassurance. Something. Anything. I was honestly just a phone call away. Sometimes this makes me feel better, and I really do feel like I can move on because I know I deserve someone who would love me as much as I love them.
 
But then I remember all the good moments. The little things about you that made me smile. The way you made me feel like I was important. The way you told me that I mattered to you. I was happy because of you. You were happy, and it was because of me.
 
Then I remember that I no longer have the power to do that. And that those are merely memories. There won't be anymore moments like that. And then that's when I feel like my heart literally deflating and all the feelings of happiness just rush out like letting the air out of a balloon.
 
I keep thinking to myself, "Don't let him get the best of you, Bella. It was good while it lasted, but you can do better. You deserve to be happy." And I still believe that. But I feel like half of my wants to move on, but the other half isn't ready to let go of you.
 
I don't want you to feel bad, I just want you to know that you have caused me a lot more pain that you think. The last time I saw you was when you were walking out with her. Do you know how hard it was not to break down crying? To see you smiling at her the way you used to smile at me?
 
I would say I don't think you ever cared about me, but that would be a lie. I know you did, and I should be thankful. But I'm selfish. I'm cruel. I am pathetic. I like to think the worst things about myself because I have no self esteem whatsoever. I know that there is a place in your heart that can only be filled by her. And I think that you tried to let me fill that hole... but my love just wasn't enough. I did try my best. I tried to be enough for you. I wanted so badly to be enough. But I know that I'm just not enough.
 
Gosh, I hate how my emotions go up and and down like a rollercoaster. I never know where I'm going, and what to expect during the day. I just wish I could turn off my emotions and be indifferent. I wish I were heartless. But alas, I am human. And being human means that in order to really experience life you need to feel this much pain. Maybe I'm just being dramatic. You were just a boy. A boy who I gave my heart to. But the thing is, you never gave it back. And it's like you're just poking it with a stick every now and then just to see if I still feel something for you. And I do. Believe me I do.
 
I don't think I'll be moving on anytime soon, but I just wish that I didn't care about you as much as I did. I wonder if you still think about me. If you wonder whether you made a mistake. If you wonder "what if..." at night and lie awake thinking of all the good times we had. I wonder what you think of me now.
 
I think I need to stop.
 
Yes, I'm going to stop now.
 
I'm sorry if this letter didn't make sense. But that's how my thoughts have been lately. Jumbled.
 
P.S. It's almost your birthday. If I don't greet you, know in my heart that I wish you all the best. I will always care about you, no matter what.
 
Love, Bella.
 
[Feb. 18th 2012]

Dear You,
 
It's me. Again. And I'm still confused.
 
Do you miss me at all? Even just a little bit? Do I even cross your mind at all during the day? I hope so, because then I wouldn't feel so pathetic about thinking about you all the time.
 
I'm just very unsure of how I feel about you right now. One moment I want to scream at you for making my heart go through all this hell, then the next I want to hug you and laugh with you as if nothing ever happened. And then I want you to feel hurt like I've been hurt. Then I want to cry for even thinking such terrible thoughts about you.
 
I'm guessing your silence is supposed to be a sign; that I should just give up, since you probably don't even give a damn about talking to me. But I don't want to give up. I don't want you to just let me get away. Fight for me. Let me know that I didn't give you my heart so willingly to find that you didn't want it. Let me know that I'm not totally worthless and pathetic.
 
I don't want to feel sad anymore. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to lay awake at night and wonder if you've already forgotten about me. Please, please don't forget me. I miss you so much.
 
Just give me a sign.
 
I don't want to lose you. We were both willing to take the risk of losing our friendship, and I don't regret giving us a try. But I've sacrificed so much to be with you. I've lost a few friends, made a few enemies.
 
Now I'm beginning to wonder if it was all worth it.
 
Just talk to me, please,
 
P.S. I'll always love you. No matter how much it hurts.
 
Love, Bella
 
[Feb. 4th 2012]

Dear You,
 
The first thing I ever noticed about you was your hair.
 
I remember walking into homeroom on the first day of school, scared shitless, and taking a seat next to the only person I knew. During the class when I turned to observe all the other confused kids around, I noticed you. You had really cool hair.
 
Then I noticed after a few days you left that class. I felt a bit sad. But then I realized we had third period together! And then one day, we sat together and you explain Harry Potter to me. It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
 
Since then you and I have been great friends, and I love how crazy you are. You're so unique, which is not a bad thing at all. Your laugh is contagious. You're so sweet and kind. You can draw a damned picture, that's for sure. Like seriously, you've got some major art skills. And you're very intelligent! You're a bookworm like myself.
 
Then I learned that there was more to you than your crazy personality. You really understood people. You've gone through things that nobody would have suspected. You showed me that you had a serious side of you that nobody would think you have.
 
I want you to know that I will always be here for you. I know that I may not understand everything, and I don't always give the best advice because of that, but I have two shoulders for you to cry on, two hands for you to hold, and one heart that loves you very much.
 
I want to thank you for all the times that you have listened to me, and all the great times we had. I will never ever forget you. There will always be a special place for you in my heart.
 
And by the way, no matter what you say about yourself, you are beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. What I love most about you is your smile, it lights up the room. And one day that special boy will come into your life and you will probably try to drive him away because that's how you are, but he'll have the brains to actually go after you. And I will be there to beat him up if he ever breaks your heart. I will annihilate him.
 
P.S. Your hair now is even sexier ;) And I will always love you.
 
Love, Bella.
 
[Feb. 2nd 2012]

Dear You,
 
First of all, you are such a beautiful person. Inside and out. Seriously, if I were a guy I'd have the hots for you. I don't quite remember how we started to become friends, but I am so happy that we are. You have such a kind heart, and you're really funny too. You understand me. You listen to me. And I feel the same way about you.
 
I like how we can share anything with each other. I enjoy spending time with you, going places with you. I feel happy when we're together. I feel like myself again.
 
You don't see yourself the way others see you, but I think that just means your modest. Which is another wonderful trait about you.
 
And then there's that douche-bag. We know who I'm talking about. Him. I hope that one day he has the balls to realize what he's been doing these past few years has been a waste of time. He needs to see how fucking lucky he is to have you in his life. Because honestly, how can he not want to just go up to you in the halls and give you a big hug? I don't know... but hopefully one day he wakes up and sees what he's been missing. If not, believe me when I say I will go up to him at school and talk some sense into him. No matter how rude and scandalous that would be.
 
You are such a brave, and strong person. I admire that about you. You've gone through so much, and I've learned that over these past few months that things get better. You are proof of that. You have shown me that even though things seem bad, you can still wake up with a smile on your face and conquer the day one step at a time.
 
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you are a great friend. Thank you for being there for me. I hope that over the next few years, and even after high school we can remain friends.
 
P.S. You are beautiful. And I love you so much.
 
Love, Bella.
 
[Feb. 1st 2012]

Dear You,
 
There are so many things I want to say to you.
 
But I think that in the end of all my ranting, all I would want you to know is that I care about you, and I miss you. I miss us. I miss your smiles. I miss your laughter. I miss the way you play your guitar. I miss those goofy text messages. I miss the way I we used to just talk. I miss your prescence. Most of all I miss feeling important to you. Like I could make a diference in your life.
 
Now... well I don't know.
 
For the past few weeks I haven't really be myself. I feel sad and angry all the time. I feel sick and tired. I feel lonely. I feel unimportant. Insignificant. And I feel like I'm going crazy.
 
I have changed. You can probably sense it. I'm not the same girl you knew last year, the same girl you knew in the summer. The same girl who would pour her heart out to you just because she knew she could trust you. I am the girl who keeps quiet so she doesn't cause a scene. The girl who shuts people out because she can't deal with all the crap going on. The girl who wonders why you even fell for her in the first place. The girl who wonders what happened to her life. The girl who has everything, but feels like she has nothing.
 
I know I should be happy and greatful. Nothing significantly bad has happened to me. Other than a death in the family, which took it's toll on me, but I got over it. Why is it that everyday I wake up and feel a giant pain in my chest? I feel like I need to force myself to get up every morning.
 
I'm not putting the blame on you... but I don't think you realize the affect you have on me. Every little thing you do, it affects me you know. All I need is some reassurance. Some support. Some way of knowing I still mean something to you.
 
Because you mean the world to me.
 
But of course, every time we talk, you just mention "her". I don't know how I turned into this jealous monster, but can you blame me? It makes me wonder who comes first in your life, me or her?
 
Don't you dare ask me why I feel this way... you once had feelings for her. I know, cause you told me. And I know that things have changed since then... But am I not special enough to be courted? To be the one who is persued by you? You told me about your history with her a long time ago, and I don't care. But the only history I have is you. You didn't make the first move, I did. I was the one who admitted my feelings first, and now I feel like you only said them back because you felt trapped.
 
Look, I don't really know where this is going... there are still many things that I want to talk to you about, but really, I'm just tired of everything. I'm tired of pretending that I'm happy. I'm tired of pretending I'm okay and I'm so emotionally tired that I think I have become numb. I used to miss you so much, but it seemed like you never missed me back... so I guess because of that, I stopped missing you.
 
I don't want to end this relationship, because I think we can make it work. But honestly, I just have no motivation to be with you right now. We aren't the same people we were before, and I wonder if this new me is still what you want. To be with this broken person.
 
Ha, I bet you never thought I had this much emotional baggage. But I do. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't be enough for you. I'm not very pretty. I'm your average girl. I'm not very bright. I'm not really kind; well not anymore at least. I'm sorry that the only thing I can give you is my love, which, by the way, is completely genuine and real.
 
I'm sorry that I can't be her.
 
If I am still what you want, well let me know.
 
If not....
 
P.S. I will always love you. Always.
 
Love, Bella.
 
[Feb. 1st 2012]

Dear You,
 
I don't know what I did.
 
Well, maybe I do.
 
But to be honest, if I had known that some of my actions would turn you against me and make us total strangers I would have done things differently. I never meant to hurt you. That's the last thing I wanted.
 
However, just because I hurt you, doesn't mean that you have the right to hurt me back. I guess that's sort of messed up thinking, but hey, my actions were not intentional. Yours were.
 
I'm sorry it had to be "him". You know I am. I'm sorry the situation seems like I took him away from you. It seems like the ultimate act of betrayal. Maybe I did. But believe me I spent weeks thinking about that. Thinking about you. Thinking about all the "what ifs" and "buts". Thinking "Out of all people why does it have to be 'him'?!"
 
But I don't regret my decision.
 
Maybe that's why you're mad at me. Maybe because I got the him and you didn't get your him on that stormy September evening. You know that night. God, the tension in that room was crazy. But I'm so thankful for the turn of events that night.
 
Anyway, despite all this tension between you and I now, I miss you so much.
 
The last time we spoke, I felt like it was all just an act. We aren't friends anymore.
 
This time last year we were best friends.
 
Had I thought, this time last year I'd be where I am now?
 
Hell no. No fucking way.
 
Do I wish I could go back and change things?
 
Normally I would say yes; but I have learned that you can't change your past. You need to let go of things that happened before and move on. People make mistakes. And I fucked up really bad. But if I had the opportunity to change things, I probably wouldn't.
 
I just want you to know that for the rest of the year, for the rest of my high school life... it's gonna be really lonely without you. Then before we know it we'll be going off to different schools. You'll go one way, I'll go another.
 
And then that will be the end.
 
We may look back at the past and smile at the memories we made together, but I don't want to. I want to keep this friendship, despite how weird it will be at first. I think we can still do it. I still want you to be a part of my life.
 
Especially right now. I need you.
 
If that's not what you want, then I don't blame you. But please, don't tell me that those past three or four years of friendship meant nothing to you.
 
I just need your guidance right now.
 
I need my best friend.
 
P.S. I'll always love you, just so you know.
 
Love, Bella.
 
[Feb. 1st 2012]

So many thoughts are running through my head.
 
I've changed. So much.
 
Some ways I'm not proud of. But I have grown as a person. I have learned a lot about life. About how short it is. How each moment should be cherish. How I should be thankful for all the wonderful things life has given me. All the wonderful and thoughtful people I've had the pleasure of meeting. All the beautiful music and artwork I've heard or seen, or even created myself. All the oppourtunities that await me in the next few years.
 

So what am I doing with my life?
 
I've spent the past few months being angry and sad, and now I am tired the way you are after you have a good cry. I am ready to move on.

Wow, haven't been on here since last year. Happy New Year Polyvore :)
 
Cheers to a new year, a fresh start, and hopefully the beginning of a happier me.