It's been nearly two weeks now. And although I have been trying to convince myself that I am okay, I am dying inside. I don't know why I still care about you so much. I've looked back at these past few months and have realized that you weren't as great as I thought you were. I was mixing you up with the boy in my head. The one who would do anything for me, the one who would love me for who I am. It turns out that my love wasn't enough to keep you holding on.
And that's what kills me.
This is how the cycle goes. I wake up with the sun, feel that old familiar pain in my heart, think about how I'm going to make it through the day, and then I get to school. I can make it through the morning, but not without thinking of you. Then those few seconds as I walk down to my science class where I know I will see you... that is the scariest part of my day. Do I smile? Do I ignore you? Do I scream at you so you know how much I'm hurting? Do I turn up my music and pretend I'm preoccupied with something? Do I even acknowledge you? Then as the afternoon passes, I count down the minutes until I get to go home and stop pretending that I am okay.
Actually I lied. Seeing you is not the worst part of my day. The worst part is when I am left alone with my thoughts. Then all these familiar feelings of sadness come back.
To make myself feel better, I think of all the things you did to hurt me. How you just seemed to lose interest in me by the time December rolled in. How we started slipping away from each other. How close yet so far we were. How during the times I needed you most, you probably weren't even thinking about me. All I needed was a phone call, a message, a smile, a laugh, a hug, a few words of reassurance. Something. Anything. I was honestly just a phone call away. Sometimes this makes me feel better, and I really do feel like I can move on because I know I deserve someone who would love me as much as I love them.
But then I remember all the good moments. The little things about you that made me smile. The way you made me feel like I was important. The way you told me that I mattered to you. I was happy because of you. You were happy, and it was because of me.
Then I remember that I no longer have the power to do that. And that those are merely memories. There won't be anymore moments like that. And then that's when I feel like my heart literally deflating and all the feelings of happiness just rush out like letting the air out of a balloon.
I keep thinking to myself, "Don't let him get the best of you, Bella. It was good while it lasted, but you can do better. You deserve to be happy." And I still believe that. But I feel like half of my wants to move on, but the other half isn't ready to let go of you.
I don't want you to feel bad, I just want you to know that you have caused me a lot more pain that you think. The last time I saw you was when you were walking out with her. Do you know how hard it was not to break down crying? To see you smiling at her the way you used to smile at me?
I would say I don't think you ever cared about me, but that would be a lie. I know you did, and I should be thankful. But I'm selfish. I'm cruel. I am pathetic. I like to think the worst things about myself because I have no self esteem whatsoever. I know that there is a place in your heart that can only be filled by her. And I think that you tried to let me fill that hole... but my love just wasn't enough. I did try my best. I tried to be enough for you. I wanted so badly to be enough. But I know that I'm just not enough.
Gosh, I hate how my emotions go up and and down like a rollercoaster. I never know where I'm going, and what to expect during the day. I just wish I could turn off my emotions and be indifferent. I wish I were heartless. But alas, I am human. And being human means that in order to really experience life you need to feel this much pain. Maybe I'm just being dramatic. You were just a boy. A boy who I gave my heart to. But the thing is, you never gave it back. And it's like you're just poking it with a stick every now and then just to see if I still feel something for you. And I do. Believe me I do.
I don't think I'll be moving on anytime soon, but I just wish that I didn't care about you as much as I did. I wonder if you still think about me. If you wonder whether you made a mistake. If you wonder "what if..." at night and lie awake thinking of all the good times we had. I wonder what you think of me now.
I think I need to stop.
Yes, I'm going to stop now.
I'm sorry if this letter didn't make sense. But that's how my thoughts have been lately. Jumbled.
P.S. It's almost your birthday. If I don't greet you, know in my heart that I wish you all the best. I will always care about you, no matter what.
[Feb. 18th 2012]